In a 2016 Beyond survey, more than half (55%) of employees said they feel obligated to attend the office holiday party. With a complicated list of Do’s and Don’ts, the occasion can quickly turn into an event you must survive rather than enjoy.
You’ve likely read some of these rules: do go, but don’t stay too long; do talk, but don’t talk about work: the list goes on. Then there are the obvious gaffes you’ll want to avoid like wearing risqué outfits, consuming too many tequila shots, criticizing the company, NSFW office holiday party jokes, flirting with married coworkers.
While protecting your professional reputation is a sensible goal, stressing over what to wear, what to say, who to talk to, or how much food to eat will suck all the fun out of what’s supposed to be a good time. Instead of obsessing over holiday party etiquette, you need something to help you relax and let your guard down to actually enjoy the holiday party. No, it’s not a drink–remember the rule about too many tequila shots?
What you need is a joke. In blog 9 of our12 Days of Christmas series, we have 10 office holiday party jokes that’ll break the ice and get your colleagues in a celebratory mood.
Sam walks into his boss’s office. “Sir, I’ll be straight with you, I know the economy isn’t great, but I have over three companies after me, and I would like to respectfully ask for a raise.”
After a few minutes of haggling, the boss finally agrees to a 5% raise, and Sam happily gets up to leave.
“By the way”, asks the boss as Sam is getting up, “which three companies are after you?”
“The electric company, water company, and phone company”, Sam replied.
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand, looking dumbfounded.
“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my assistant has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?”
“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy…”
Order of Operations
The VP of Business Development, the CFO, and the President of a company are on their way to lunch when they stumble upon a beat up, but valuable looking brass container.
The VP picks it up and starts cleaning it with his handkerchief. Suddenly, a genie emerges out of a curtain of purple smoke. The genie is grateful to be set free and offers them each a wish.
The CFO is wide-eyed and ecstatic. She says, “I want to be living on a beautiful beach in Spain with a sailboat and enough money to make me happy for the rest of my life.”
Poof! She disappears.
The VP says, “I want to be happily married to a wealthy supermodel with penthouses in London, Paris, and NYC.”
Presto! He vanishes.
“And how about you?” asks the Genie, looking at the President.
The boss scowls and says, “I want both those idiots back in the office by 2 PM.”
Don’t Slack Off at Work
A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!
The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?”
Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $300.00 a week. Why?”
The CEO then hands the guy $300 in cash and screams, “Here’s a week’s pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?”
With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”
A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party. Their conversation is constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asks the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”
“I give it to them,” replies the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor is shocked but agrees to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepares the bills. When he goes to place them in his mailbox, he finds a bill from the lawyer.
The owner of a company tells his employees:
“You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I‘m giving everyone a check for $5,000.”
Thrilled, the employees gather around and high five one another.
“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I’ll sign those checks!”
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, one older worker had had enough.
“Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is,” he said. “I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.”
“You’re on, old man,” the braggart replied. “Let’s see what you got.”
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, “All right. Get in.”
My Dear Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are out on a camping trip. They trudge all day, covering lots of miles, and finally decide, just as dusk is falling, that it’s time to set up camp for a night. They put up their tent, start a fire, cook a simple meal, eat, and both being exhausted from the day’s exertions, decide to go to sleep.
At about 3 in the morning, Holmes shakes Watson awake and says, “Watson, look up at the stars in the sky and tell me what you deduce from them.”
Watson is sleepy, but he has learned that there is always a point to even the most random of Holmes’s questions, so he does as he’s told, and gazes up at the stars.
“Well, Holmes,” he says after a moment, “I can see millions of stars. Millions of them. And I guess if there are millions of stars, then around many of those stars there must be planets. And if there are planets around those stars, then some of those planets must be like our planet. And if planets like ours exist around some of those stars, then on some of those planets there may well be people, looking up at the stars and imagining that we exist as well. That’s what I deduce from looking up at the stars, Holmes.”
And Holmes says, “No, Watson, you fool — someone has stolen the tent.”
Text Me a Joke
My boss texted me, “Send me one of your funny jokes, Pete.”
I replied, “I’m working at the moment, Sir, I will send you one later.”
He replied, “That was fantastic, send me another one.”
How to Get a Day off From Work
Two factory workers are talking. The woman says, “I can make the boss give me the day off.” The man replies, “And how would you do that?” The woman says, “Just wait and see.”
She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling. The boss comes in and says, “What are you doing?” The woman replies, “I’m a light bulb.” The boss then says, “You’ve been working so much that you’ve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.”
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, “Where are you going?” The man says, “I’m going home, too. I can’t work in the dark.”
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